Grand finale
The last note of the orchestra. The melting frost on the ground. The last spin of the laundry cycle. The last 50m of your run. Or, if you like vaccination analogies, Day 15 after your AstraZeneca shot. Indeed, this post is about endings.
More articles on being a clinical psychology trainee:
- What is a clinical psychology trainee
- A day in the life of a clinical psychology trainee
- Supervisory relationship of a clinical psychology trainee
- Managing time as a clinical psychology trainee
If you’d like to read more about my experiences during my training to become a clinical psychologist, click here to purchase my e-book.
Wrapping Up
In the last week as a clinical psychology trainee, you will be occupied with a few things at once. The submission of your research thesis. Handing over clients or patients to other psychologists. Printing out logbook hours to ensure that the minimum criteria for admission into the Malaysian Society of Clinical Psychology is met. Getting the signatures of supervisors on relevant documents. Printing report after report of all assessments or interventions conducted. Such is the nature of our work; more paperwork warranted than you’d think necessary.
That, on top of the emotional goodbyes. The colleagues and teammates that you’ve grown fond of; from your supervisor to the canteen aunty that sells your favorite mee sup. The administrative assistant who handled the nasty call from that client who did not like hearing the word “no”. The cleaner who always nodded brightly in your direction, no matter how involved he was in his work. We’ll take a cup of kindness, yet.
Euphoria mixed with the stark fear of being inadequate yet to assess and treat mental health issues, for real. Dreaming of this point during the entrance into this competitive program but finding that the challenge is probably just only starting. Such a heady mix.
Reflections
When I first started the program, I told myself —
“No more Netflix, Evelyn! You gotta hustle and make sure that you do everything right!”
“Planning makes perfect…time management should be done to a tee so that no time will be wasted”
“Be the BEST!”
I know. I laugh too.
Over the course of time, I learnt three big lessons:
1. It is okay to take time for self-care, even if there are a million things to do.
Having no form of entertainment or self-care really takes a big toll on a person. Especially that person who wants to be “perfect” or “the best”. The clinical psychology program is funny in their way of uncannily identifying most people who have these characteristics and placing them in one of the toughest field ever. I suffered the consequences of not paying attention to self-care during my clinical placement, especially when both research, university, and placement commitments occurred within the same period of time.
One of the most common mental health advice given out is, “have time for self-care”. However, the premise (especially in Asian communities) is, “when you have the time for it”. The truth is that self-care is meant to be scheduled, and not engaged leisurely. It is as important as unclogging your bathtub drain; a routine that is absolutely necessary. I learned the hard way; taking a day off to unwind will make your productivity improve by leaps and bounds rather than slogging through work just because.
2. Your performance is the direct result of your current state of wellbeing.
I “cold storage” feelings. Such a wonderful term from one of the psychologists at my placement who pointed it out frankly when we sat down to talk. One of the reasons why I fared “better off” during my studies was because I routinely neglected how I was feeling about certain things in order to “better focus” on other things that mattered. Getting through a break up during the course of studies? Complete the next assignment on interviewing skills instead. Upset with family members? Wait until the documents submission for clinical placement are done. Feeling absolutely exhausted with the multiple demands from the program? Go for a run and it will be relieved. Even the act of exercising became an added source of distress instead of seeking self-care by addressing those suppressed emotions.
The result was that I had difficulties relating to the emotional content from my clients and patients because I did not believe that mine was worth exploring. The empathy for those I worked with, the very people who deserved it, was compromised. The very area I neglected by believing that my efficacy would be improved, ultimately caused an emotional backlog that ironically required more of my time and effort to sort through. Fortunately, I had a sharp supervisor who was able to guide me through the process of cataloguing and reviewing those emotions, and I am all the more better off for it.
3. How you achieve something is more important than the act of achieving it.
I prided myself in completing and achieving goals in a quick manner. The more goals, the easier it was for me to convince myself that I was proving my competence. Hence, the more things to do, the better! As you may well imagine, the completion of goals became more important over the course of time. The results? Work done quickly in a haphazard and poorly thought-through method. I believe that it is also reflected in my writings here (shhhh, it’s okay for me to notice but not for you to point it out).
Within a short period of time, my method might have served me well. However, quick flashes of lightning do not a storm make. Accumulatively, it resulted in repetitive work that did not seem to address root causes of issues my patients were facing. And I learned a huge lesson on putting in the work — listing case conceptualizations, drafting behavioral plans, planning in advance — to have fruitful and effective results for cases I was handling. The process, however slow and daunting, was essential for me to hone my skills and ensure that patient care was met. The tortoise did win the race.
To myself
I am so, so, so proud of you. I approve of all your strivings and who you are now. Shine brighter; for yourself and those who have lost their light. No more fears now.
Signing off, Evelyn Ngui (Clinical Psychology Trainee)